i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

xoxo from san franscisco
i want to hug and kiss you in the rain
the golden gate isn't really gold at all
but neither`s the halo above my head

xoxo from san fransisco
cats like us should live in the castro
because i'm so gay for you
and milk is my favorite drink

xxx from san franscisco
my mom and i walked through the red light district together
talk about awkward

xoxo from san fransisco
eating pounds and pounds of coco
in ghirardelli square
a city with this much chocolate
it isn't fair

xoxo from san fransisco
i left my heart here
because i was in such a rush
too bad because i was going to give it to you

xoxo from san fransisco
i love you darling

i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

Today I thought about the times I have said "I Love You" and have heard it back. Not the times including my parents or friends, but the times that it was to a boy. The big three words. And in all of my young years, the tally of my 143s is: 1.

That's right. One. It was to Jerry, and we broke up a month later. Now he is my bff and we totally rock together as friends. Those words still apply, but now in the friendship manner.

Even though I have only said ILU once in my life, it has been said to me 3 times. Still a low number, but more than the times I have said it.

The first time occurred when I was 16 dating a 19 year old lead singer of some shitty band. We were talking on the phone one night, and he said "Nell, I just wanted to tell you that I love you." I was flattered, and I almost said it back, but what I ended up saying, unexpectedly, was "But dude, we've only been dating for like two weeks. You don't even know me." He was slightly offended, but we continued to date afterward. Then we broke up around 2 months later because he was leaving for school in Arizona. Two years later I bumped into him at the Apple store. It was weird, but lolzy.

The second time was Jerry, hesitating to say it back to me. Yes, it was the only time I initiated and the only time I meant it.

The third time occurred just this Tuesday night. I spent the night at Mike's house, we smoked, drank, fucked, and cuddled. I fell asleep early because I had class in the morning, but I would drift in and out and we would make out occasionally. One time I was awake for making out and Mike just said "Nellie, I love you." Italics doesn't do that "love" justice. It was full breath, straight from the stomach, using your diaphragm love. It was the strangest thing ever. There I am, naked, with this guy I'm just getting to know, and here is telling me he loves me. How the hell am I supposed to react to that? I'm hoping for something better than "Dude, you're just really stoned" but nay, that is exactly what I said. I then rolled over and went back to sleep. Mike doesn't remember the interaction at all, but that's ok because he didn't mean it.

I just find it funny how, instead of jumping the gun and saying what I think I want my heart to say, I go with the logical and sensible answer. Even at 16, which is prime time for silly "I wuv you" exchanges, I was like "No dude lol". Both times have made me laugh. I laugh at love. Well, I laugh at what people think is love.
LOL I have no pants!

(no subject)

June 2010: And You Were Special
1. Ghouls - We Are Scientists
2. Chocolate Raspberry Lemon and Lime - Muscles
3. The Hardest Button to Button - White Stripes
4. Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt - We Are Scientists
5. Live Alone - Franz Ferdinand
6. Sweaty - Muscles

Lately I've been feeling like such a grown up and, ironically, this feeling usually occurs when I'm high. But I think it's because when I'm sober I can't help but think what a failure I am usually. Being high makes me realize I'm not measured by the things I haven't accomplished but by the things I have. Things like driving, having a credit card, and a job aren't a big deal to most people but a lot of my friends and people I know don't have/do any of those things. And while I'm not ready to move out on my own any time soon, I know that I will one day. I have a semblance of a financial plan to do so. I have a financial plan. Not many people do. Not for nothing I've also realized that many adults aren't even "really" adults. Plenty are just as confused as fucked up as I am. Many adults don't know what they want to do with their lives. Many adults do stupid shit like drink too much and smoke weed. Not everyone becomes a fuck up when they're a teen. It can happen at any time. I haven't fucked up my life yet, and I don't plan on doing so. I believe that counts for something.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

I just had the most responsible thought ever. I don't want to be the family fuck-up. I don't want to be the tale my sister tells her kids "Don't end up like Aunt Nellie, the single mom of two crackhead babies who's still in rehab". I mean I doubt this will happen, but I doubt many people seek to become this, but it could happen to anybody. A few stupid mistakes and this can happen. I see it everyday. Normal people who get addicted to something and then their life goes downhill from there. I just have to be responsible. I can still have fun, but I have to be conscience of my decisions and be careful. I can't be stupid anymore.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

Another weird as shit dream!

I had a dream that Germany turned Nazi again and that Whitney and I were sent to a concentration camp. Everything's modern too, everyone's cell phones were taken away and only a few people successfully hid their iPods. They gather a bunch of us for a meeting, and instead of gas chambers, there this new machine that releases just a little bit of gas, hanging from the ceiling. The Nazi make a game where you have to start of from behind the machine, and when the beeps goes off you have to run underneath it. The gas is released at random, so you don't know whether you'll make it past the machine or not. We had to watch a few people die, and then I was called up, and they told me to pull the trigger on the machine, which definitely released gas and would definitely die. I pulled it, but I didn't run, and they said "Jew girl, run now!" and I started to say "I'm not a Jew, I'm just Jew...ish" but they interrupted me and told me to run through again. I said "No, bite me, I'd rather get shot" but I'm terrified and I know it's all over my face that I'm scared to shit. But they don't shoot me and I return to my seat with Whitney. They let us out of the meeting hall, and once outside, Whitney and I break down and start crying about how much we love each other and how that was the scariest moment ever in our lives.

Now I feel all weird and stuff. Very sad.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

I had a dream that I had met up someone for dinner, had a a few drinks and then got into my car. The person I had eaten with (I don't know who), got into their car because "I don't remember how to get home". We were at a light and they had a gone a different way, and I remembered another. They catch up with me, cut me off, and I nearly back into another car that was backing out of the driveway. I get home, change into PJs, go into the bathroom and I keep passing out on the toilet. I keep falling flat on my face and getting right back up. My dad's outside my bathroom door wondering if I'm ok. Eventually I wake up from the dream and my dad is hovering over my dad and gets me out. Oh wait, no I'm not awake, IT'S JUST ANOTHER DREAM. But after that the dreams are blurry and I don't remember any of them. I do remember my alarm going off constantly because I took a cat nap and I have a class to go to in 20 minutes.

Weird effin nap.