i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

Love. I am going to choose love. Not romantic love, that can only choose you, but I'm done with letting little shit bother me. I'm done with drama. I'll love you if you're dramatic, but that doesn't mean I have to be involved in whatever it is you're upset about. I won't let other people's hate become my hate. I won't let hate become my main emotion. I won't let the fear of rejection be my fuel. I'm tired of standing on this precipice. I'm just going to jump.

All this talk of weddings and babies is really throwing me off. It's not 1946. We don't need to be settled for the rest of our lives. In fact that's what our grandparents and parents exactly don't want for us. And I feel as if I am stunted in that department but alas: here's the truth: just because it doesn't make me happy doesn't mean it doesn't make other people happy. I am not stunted. I'm just different. Different isn't bad.

I will love despite other people's choices. You are what you love not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

I think I'm depressed. I think everyone's depressed. I just think I've finally crossed that threshold of where I can no longer take care of it myself.

I ended things with Patrick. He was an asshole, but I regret not letting them play out naturally. I regret being a bitch. I regret having this anger inside of me. I don't want it. I don't want to be an angry girl.

I'm just gonna go to London and deal with this when I get back. I desperately need a vacation.

(no subject)

That was the most unusual sensation. I need to meditate more.

My stomach's been in a twist all weekend so I decided to meditate to put myself at ease. It worked. I rested my hands above my head in a diamond position and my left middle finger went up like it was a timer telling me I was done. It was interesting.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

I've been having the weirdest dreams lately.

Last week I had a dream that I was in bed and I overheard my parents talking about my cousin Shamus drowning. They never came in and woke me up to tell me about it, and I was hurt that they weren't telling me. I woke up thinking it was real, but thankfully I sent Shamus a text and he replied.

I also had a dream that I landed at Heathrow, got on the tube, and when I got out of the station I was in London proper. It was so cool! The London Eye was dismantled for "winter repairs" so the wheel was there, but all of the capsules weren't. Weird. Then I discover that I didn't pack anything, didn't transfer money around in my bank accounts, and I didn't have any of my maps with me. So I basically was in London with no money, no plans and no clothes.

Another dream I had I was hanging out with Krissy and she was being all lesbian on me. Usually it's the reverse, and I was blushing like mad. My arms were turning a bright red, and my entire body felt warm. Krissy turns to me and says "Really? I didn't expect this from you." How weird! All those times I would try to get into Krissy's pants and got rejected, the one time she tries I get nervous.

Lastly, I had a dream in which my parents told me Lady was dead. I was hysterical, but I kept hearing her nail scratches and her collar twinkling so I thought I was going crazy. But then Lady comes out of her little bed but she can only use her front legs. Her back ones stopped working, which is what happened to Chewie. So then I'm freaking out that we're gonna have to put her down too, and I'm just all sorts of sad.

WTF subconscious?

ETA: This is gonna be a multi-part entry cause I have other stuff:

Last night Patrick and I got into a fight, but a stupid little one, nothing major. So this morning this happened:

Nellie: good morning
Patrick: hey you
Nellie: :-*
Patrick: :)
Nellie: ;-)
Patrick: :-)
Nellie: Did we just make up via smiley?
Patrick: totally
Nellie: so gay
Patrick: Not at all!!! Epic to the fifteenth degree

March 3rd playlist:

1. Read My Mind - The Killers
2. Around the Sun - Ryanhood
3. I Painted Your House - Oh No! Oh My!
4. Pinball Wizard - The Who
5. Raven Star - Lunascape
6. One of These Mornings - Moby
7. Brooklyn (Acoustic) - Wakey!Wakey!
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)


Alright, so Patrick's a great guy and I really like him and I really hope he sticks around at least until the army claims him. That's not what I was freaking out about.

What I was freaking out about is that he is super hot. He is a good looking fellow. He is built. He is tall. He is an Adonis. I swear, the sculpture David was just a blue print for the creation of Patrick. I'm not even kidding.

Which is fine. I'm more than ok with him being super hot. It's great. It's just...I'm not hot. I'm not built. I'm short. I'm pudgy. I'm cute. He said that I'm pretty and that "Pretty is great. If a guy says you're hot he only wants to fuck you, but I don't want to. I mean, I do want to fuck you, but that's not the only thing I want." Sweet, right?

Then I was going through old Facebook pictures of myself, because it's been a while since I've stalked myself. Some pictures are gross, my hair was really too short Senior/Freshman year, I didn't know how to dress, and I often wore clothes that were way too small on me. I was super ugly. I had to stop looking, I got really self conscious. Why would this really really hot guy ever be with me if I am that ugly? Something must be broken in his head.

BUT THEN I persevered, I continued looking and it's kinda like watching a fast-motion video of a flower opening. There I was an ugly little bud, but then I finally blossomed into a pretty water lily. I can dress well. My hair looks better longer. I'm still pudgy, but damn have you seen my tits AND ass? I need something in the middle to keep me balanced. Being short is cute, and I don't ever have to worry about wearing too-tall heels.

So I'm not Megan Fox, Natalie Portman or Amanda Seyfried but I'm not Quasimodo. Heck, far from it. I'm Nellie. I'm pretty. Even if I don't believe it, some really hot guy named Patrick does.

Besides I'm not into him just because he's hot, so why should he be solely interested in me for my looks? He isn't and that's the best part of all.
i don't want to be friends

(no subject)

Today has been the best day of my life.
Let me affix it in my brain that today was beautiful and that no matter what, it will hold a special place in my heart.
it is consecrated that thus far, February 20, 2010 is the best day ever.